WHEN YOU ARE LOVED

     Jesus left the church with this passionate commandment: "Love one another." This command is for His people, His church. This love is supposed to be a distinguishing characteristic of our relationships with each other. Even discipline of church members is an act that is supposed to have a loving purpose; it is engineered to keep the Body of Christ safe. This type of discipline in Scripture is reserved for sins of abomination.

     Apparently divorce is not one of these disciplined sins since 1 Corinthians 7 contains a lot of variation in the subject of those who were married but wish to be celibate for holiness. Paul makes clear that this is not a good reason for divorce. Even with that in mind, however, he says that if the wife does indeed seperate by divorce to be celibate, she should  either remain unmarried or be reconciled. He does not mention any discipline. How much more complicated would be the discussion of the situation in which the husband has already committed spiritual divorce through abuse and the wife must indeed make it legally recognized in order to survive. I am quite sure Jesus would not recommend that more discipline on top of a life of constant abuse would help to shape her for holiness in any way. Apparently this issue has a great many variables according to 1 Corinthinas 7, but is not rule-bound because the more crucial issue is God's call that we "live in peace" (verse 15) which is often not possible for a Christian with an unbeliever or an abuser. According to the context of this Scripture, each case should be viewed individually, with the heart of the intentions a huge consideration.

     The disciplinary process in Matthew 18 is clearly a process designed to bring in the protection of the chuch when a member cannot get relief from a persisting attacker. The procedure is definitely not to be a symbolic "cold shoulder" intended to manipulate a woman into reconciling with a man she knows to be dangerous in private while charming in public.

     Jesus said, "You hypocrites! Doesn't each of you on the Sabbath untie his ox or donkey from the stall and lead it out to give it water? Then should not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen long years, be set free on the Sabbath day from what bound her?" (Luke 13:15-16). He said, "I ask you, which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to destroy it?" (Luke 6:9). In the context of this passage, He is saying that failure to do what you can to help free and heal is to be part of the destroying: that unloving refusal to relieve pain and evil is what is illegal. Refusing to help is like doing the murder. Jesus said, "A house divided against itself will fall," (Luke 11:17). Every house that is filled with domestic violence is divided: good against evil. Especially evil is the evil that calls itself "Christian" and does such things. We must not forget that leaving an abuser is not an act of selfish choice but a necessary response to criminal acts. Jesus said that some will need to leave a spouse for the sake of the kingdom of God and will be rewarded for doing so (Luke 18:29-30). This can be one of those rare and sad instances.

     When wives are abused by their husbands, especially religious husbands, they are completely deprived of love in the marriage. Sex is not love even though is can be an expression of love within a marriage. Abusive men view sex (often in the form of rape) as a fulfillment of their "love" obligation. Sex is nothing but another form of abuse in this case. Well-meaning people who do not understand the dynamics of the abusive mind look at good deeds done by abusers and point to these as a sign of the "good" in the performer. The abused wife, however, knows that her husband sees his good deeds as payment buying him the right to abuse and still be in fine public standing.

     So, I see love in very specific pictures that do not make room for the relishing of cruelty. We should see these pictures not just in marriage relationships, but also in church relationships. I would say that the added  torment heaped upon us by churches when we try to get free of domestic abuse is totally without love. It is not a loving discipline with some useful purpose: we learn nothing from it as we are re-traumatized. It would even appear to be a totally selfish policy pattern declaring that the horror marriage is the woman's burden to bear because that burden is too heavy for the church leaders to bear. If she is so much more capable than they, why are they not disciplined instead? Just a thought.

     When you are loved by someone, you are given good gifts. You are encouraged to use your gifts. The one who loves you gets great pleasure from your enjoyment of these gifts. It is the evil one who takes the gifts away and burys them. If we would not bury them, why would those who are supposed to love us bury them? Why would they say, "You are abused and apart from your murderer; therefore, you are not worthy to use your gifts for the work of Christ our beloved"? In fact, Jesus said it is a grievous sin to bury your own talents rather than investing them. What makes a weary woman recovering from abuse such an atrocity that her gifts become rubbish, while the gifts of the quietly greedy, mean-spirited, haughty, controlling, gluttonous, lazy, drunken, dirty-minded, cheap, or abusive remain useful?

     When you are loved, you are offered great care in your sufferings. In illness and brokenness, you are wept with. Your loved ones are quick to see what you lack and to provide the healing, helping things, like Jesus feeding multitudes. You know that you are not alone when the agony strikes. Someone moves you away from the things that destroy you. God's Hands reach out through His loving people. Those people pray for you and then their actions see to your comfort as necessary;  faith and prayer without appropriate action are dead. We, the Body of Christ are a people made for loving interaction, not only for hopes and dreams on the road home. Even if the caring is simply expressed in kindness, compassion and encouragement attitudes, with love, these are real and appropriate..

     When you are loved, your successes are a source of celebration in the ones who love you. Those who love do not stand before you and frown, blocking your every effort to accomplish your purpose. You are not given a snake when you needed fish, just to make you more disciplined. How do evil gifts bring a disciplined life? Why do those who have lived with domestic abuse, a "discipline unimaginable", need more harsh discipline, when those who command the further discipline could not even bear it? They are giving stones where gifts of healing are required by Jesus.

     When you are loved, you are a treasure and you are made to know you are a treasure. Treasures are sought with sweat and effort and are protected vigorously. When they get dull from grime and abuse, they are worth some elbow grease to restore the shine that brings a smile of joy.

     When you are loved, you are heard. The words expressing your heart, the things you feel and learn, are not a nuisance, but a song. Your words are not a waste of important time, but an important use of time. The one who loves you holds your hand and looks into your eyes to understand.  Of course, if you begin to lecture and demand a selfish life, love is saddened. But the Christian who is perpetually abused has very little selfishness and demanding, yet many expressions that were buried deeper and deeper, all rising up into pain at once. A caring ear is a great medicine. I believe the Lord engineered that very give-and-take so that we would not neglect fellowship and the humility of the broken. How often we advocate the pride of "peace, peace when there is no peace", just so we can remain comfortable in isolation from shared agony. Shared agony so easily breaks the agony into smaller and smaller bits until it fades away, bringing relief. Is it too much trouble? Rather, Paul said, "...we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort," (NIV, 2 Corinthians 1:7.) I think that Paul's friends cared so much for his relief that they were willing to go to great pains for it, and Paul reciprocated likewise. Paul did not keep his agonies secret with some sort of false humility, he defined them and asked for specific helps and comforts. He named the names of those who did him a great deal of harm, warning others to stay away from the harmful men. When he had a serious difference with Barnabas, he thought it better that they go their seperate ways than to irritate one another. How simplistic we can be when God asks that we do whatever it takes to pursue His agenda in our individual lives.

     However lacking are the commands in regards to difficult relationship specifics, the command to love the Christian brothers and sisters is firm. It is the supreme command after loving God and is said to be "like it". In my opinion it is like it because the love of God produces in Christians the love of God's children. When you are loved you feel safe. When you are loved you feel wanted. When you are loved you feel needed. When you are loved you heal faster. When you are loved you speak your heart without fear. When you are loved you are included. When you are loved you are presented gladly. When you are loved you are protected and defended. When you are loved you are favored. When you are loved your destruction and torture are not ignored as if they were an unfortunate embarrassment. When you are loved prayers in your behalf are accompanied by appropriate action. Where, beloved, is the Christian action that is pushing back the tide of domestic abuse destroying such a huge percentage of your sisters? Is it exposed in every church since every church is overrun with the problem? Are the abused wives the unloved for any good reason?



    

Bitter is a Magic Word

     We have magic words in the church world. These words, when spoken, are used frequently to keep our brothers and sisters covered in whitewash. Sometimes these words keep us from any sense of involvement in messy matters. Sometimes they make known what is expected from a "spiritual" person. Sometimes they serve to make us appear to be a sweet group. Sometimes they put you in your place so your needs are not our responsibility. Yes, words like glory, joyful, spirit, praise, stronghold, forgive, victory, repent, bold, worship, reconciliation and more, are used to keep us in various comfortable niches.

     Apparently, the word "bitter" has a special magic: it can shut the mouths of those who are in danger, pain, or distress from domestic violence. I haven't figured out the logic of it quite yet. A church can  post and distribute warning information about a local pedophile: this is not bitter or unforgiving of his sin. A church can support military action used to protect populations: this is not bitter or unforgiving of the sin in terrorism. A church can install alarms for police protection of its possessions : this is not bitter or unforgiving of the sin in theft. But, a victim of horrible abuse can expose the dangerous behavior of a tormentor for a limited time only. After church leaders have made some initial effort and counseling, the crime of abuse becomes "private". Any cry of a continued threat is labeled "gossip". The abuser becomes the victim. The abused woman becomes "bitter" and "unforgiving". If she has only slight knowledge of Scripture, she may be easily manipulated by these magic words, backing down into her quiet black hole. Alone again, she cries out to God, waiting, waiting for miraculous deliverance. But God has already said, "The prudent see danger and take refuge..." (Proverbs 27:12).  There is no refuge in the Land of Magic Words.

     The word "bitter" as used in the Scriptures is not a magic word at all. It is not a blanket word. It is a word that takes its meaning from its context in a narrative. It is a strong word. The Scripture says "woe" to those who put the label "sweet" on things that are really "bitter" and vise versa (Isaiah 5:20). Bitter is the taste of poison. Poison is not always produced in the person. Sometimes it is poured over the person, or fed to her, or injected. There are things that we should very well experience as bitter if we have any wisdom, if we have any fellowship with the good, sweet Holy Spirit. When we encounter evil cruelty, for instance, it should taste bitter. The book of Hebrews calls idolatry, specifically, a "bitter root" or a "root of bitterness" depending on translation. Idolatry is poison and it grows poison fruit, so it should be experienced as bitter. Many times the Scriptures speak of people "weeping bitterly" as a true and proper experience of horrible things. Are we in America attempting to train American Christians to put to death human emotional response to torment? Ezekiel was commanded by God to groan and weep with bitter grief (Ezekiel 21:6), because that was the right response to traumatic events.

     I was especially fascinated, however, with the bitter distress of 2 Kings chapter 4. It was not a sin, but a signal to offer compassion and assistance. Bitter distress is probably a good description for the agony of recovery from trauma. The story tells of Elisha's concern for his friend, the Shunammite woman. The woman's son has died and when she runs to Elisha for help, Gehazi pushes her away. [Ever been pushed away?] But Elisha responds, "Leave her alone! She is in bitter distress..." (NIV). Then, he proceeds to find out what she needs and provides her with appropriate help. He has compassionate concern expressed with action, not  magic words.

     Have you ever been in bitter distress? Have you cried with bitter weeping? If so, you have a sweet soul. You can sense the poison in the bitter waters that have been thrown upon you because they are so opposite your sense of sweet. You can feel the affects of the serpent's bitter venom as it bites because it is an evil attack on a sweet daughter of God. When you sound the trumpet so that the watchmen can be alert to danger, you are not filled with a spirit of fear but a spirit of wisdom. Bitter distress is relieved by real compassionate effort from the Body of Christ. Christ is the healer of the brokenhearted  (those in bitter distress) and Christ's people are the Hands to deliver that healing. He does not ask you to sit alone in the black hole, unseen and secret, waiting for a big zap. He expects you to run to God's people and speak your need. He expects His people to do everything possible to relieve your legitimate distress: bitter as it is. You are not your distress. You are an opportunity for ministry from some willing Elisha. You are a strong woman who asks boldly. If we continue to weep it is not because we are whiners, but because our burden is increased rather than relieved.

     Do you continue to weep unrelieved by compassion? Perhaps Gehazi is still pushing you away. But if we move along past him, Elisha is back there with compassionate action. Elisha will run and sweat and care. He will hurt because you hurt. Let's not get caught at Gehazi's guard post, but, recognizing him, lets run on by and look for the real thing. Let's tell the truth because lies should not be used as magic words.