Elder Charm and Pastor Pits

     The church elder Mr. Charm encouraged the young man. He counseled him to seek God and he gave a few Scripture references for deeper thought. He even handed the young man a twenty to help him through a hard time, maybe go to the "Men's Retreat".

     Pastor Pits walked through the alley to reach his car after a hard day's work. His heart was heavy over a hurting church family. Mr. Charm joined him and began to engage him in debate. As they neared the parking lot, Mr. Charm grabbed Pastor Pits' arms and bound them with ropes. He tied him to the bumper of his own car and got into the driver's seat. He took off, dragging Pastor Pits behind.
    
     The results were obvious. Pastor Pits was in agony. The church elders visited him and told him they would talk to him and their talking would heal him. They talked to him for months. Sometimes Pastor Pits gave in to the temptation to seek medical help and the elders rebuked him soundly. They told him that Jesus is the healer of the broken and he was obviously broken, so faith would bring healing for sure: he must have a lack of faith. The elders prescribed a list of Scriptures for Pastor Pits to read. As Pastor Pits tried to read, he could not get very far because of his consuming agony and the damage to his head in various areas.The elders were contemptuous.

     The rest of the church congregation got involved. They made Elder Charm apologize in front of the church. They were really, really wise. They made a list of the people Elder Charm had helped, including the young man. Pastor Pits said, "I helped people, too, but now I can't do much." The church said, "Don't be so proud! Elder Charm does not owe you anything because Jesus paid his price." Pastor Pits was removed from his position, but out of the kindness of the wisdom of the church, he was allowed to hang around. They would smile at him because they were so forgiving and they would pat his arm.

     Pastor Pits told the Doctor how his injuries occurred. Elder Charm was very hurt by that. Elder Charm's hurt was comforted by the church congregation. Pastor Pits was further rebuked for seeking secular help (the Doctor) and for refusing to shut up about this one little mistake that Elder Charm committed. Pastor Pits acted weird because his body no longer was able to work normally. His brain sent wrong signals. Nice people from the church sent him funny cards because they knew that all Pastor Pits had to do was laugh and he would be fixed. They sent e-mails with Bible verses because they knew those messages about perseverance would fix him if he would just try. They told stories about people who had been dragged behind vehicles twice, so his once could not really hurt in comparison. Fellow Pastors came to visit and to inform Pastor Pits that the incident was not a crime so he should not only "get over it", but he must invite Elder Charm to live with him.

     Pastor Pits cried. He felt hated. He felt alone. He felt he had lost his family and language had lost its meaning: evil was good and good was evil. Love did not protect. The church agreed that they did not have to protect. They had verses to support this.

     Elder Charm had slight consequences from the court and then he took Pastor Pits to court. He kept him there for years. Pastor Pits' pain increased to agony and he was kept from help. The church ignored him when he said, "I need support!" They said he only needs Jesus and if he was not limping along any better, he must not have Jesus. They said he was too needy and it needed to stop. Elder Charm cried big tears and said his feelings were so hurt  because Pits would not pretend that he was fine. Charm enjoyed spending his money on court dates. Pits could barely work and had no money. People from the church sat on the witness stand and spoke glowingly of Elder Charm's many good deeds. The judge commended him for changing so admirably.

     Was Pastor Pits alone? People came out of the woodwork to find him and let him know they were afraid of Mr. Charm. They warned Pits of threats Charm had made and of crazy evening behavior. The church said it was hearsay and they needed to go home to watch TV, so "forget about it". They could not handle the stress of trying to evaluate such things.

     Pits could not walk in this craziness any more. He decided to find a new church family. His old church family looked upon this development with great relief. Now, they could blacklist Pits and promote Elder Charm, who had proven to be a man of useful talents. Charm did not seem to be affected by stress at all. He must know all the laugh tricks and have the willingness to forgive that pesky Pits.

     Ridiculous scenario... Ridiculous, but very real to those of us who have tried to leave an abusive spouse. I pray that we, the church, will begin to see our cruelty so that we will no longer fall for the temptation to spiritualize cruelty.  God has not given the gift of cruelty as a means of helping Him to perfect the saints.

     Instead, we are told to be the tools of God by comforting the downcast (2 Corinthians 7:5-7). Our being downcast over trauma is not a sign of badness, but is an opportunity for the church to be the church of Jesus: His Hands and His Heart. We are also told not to overwhelm someone with excessive sorrow. A Christian who is an outcast is overwhelmed with sorrow because a true Christian needs the fellowship. I say that overwhelming the traumatized with added sorrow is a worse sin than overwhelming an incestuous violator with church discipline, as in the Corinthians 7 passage. What good is served? Perhaps evil is strengthened, however.

     Sociopaths and abusers are in the church. They are married to church members. They do not behave in public as they do in private. What they say is not necessarily what they think. They do not have stressed reactions to horrors other than personal insults. This is one of the hardest hurdles we face in trying to understand the crazy-making of these personalities. As church people, we are overwhelmingly discourage from knowing these facts. If we can have the courage to know those facts we can behave with wisdom. It is the fool that does not want to be confused with real knowledge for a real life.

     NEWSFLASH! The earth is not flat. Sociopaths, psychopaths and abusers do not think or respond like "you and I" but they are tremendous actors. Until we face that reality as God knows it, we will continue to dispense cruelty.
    

Bewitching

     I note that the book of Galatians speaks of two deceptions: 1) that "Christians" could be bewitched to return to the curse of trying to get to God through the Mosaic law, and 2) that Christians could be tricked into denying that a man reaps what he sows. Galatians 3:1-2 admonishes, "You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified. I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard?" Galatians 6:7 warns, "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." (Both NIV.)

     Common church policies dealing with domestic violence and family abuse are violations of these Scripture warnings. The suffering victims are expected and directed to obey bewitching rules that curse their lives. The abusers are able to mock God - to repeatedly deceive.

     HEADS UP SISTERS! The following is a list of stumbling blocks set up by churches across this land. The consequences are extremely destructive and even deadly. These stumbling blocks start out like a sign of hope: "We will take care of everything". They end up an epitaph: "FED TO THE LIONS". Here is a list exposing the secrets and taking away their power to trip you, bewitch you, or deceive you.

     Let is be said that God is not to blame for unwise church policy or people. Christ is the Head over every power and authority and Christ does not promote cruelty and evil. When we speak against cruelty, we do not blame God. We implore people to stop causing Him to be blasphemed by what we do under His Name.

     1)     MARRIAGE COUNSELING: Abusers very rarely truly change their hearts towards their love of abusing. Do you really want to be married to someone who is always fighting the urge to abuse you, not just hurt you? God ordained marriage as a relationship of loving support and with an abuser this is not possible. It is not possible for abusers to provide their offspring with anything of value relationally. If your children admire the abuser, they will pick up on the warped cruelty or they will be emotionally damaged. Children do not need everyone to love them, but they do need family love, not family perversion. Marriage counseling can only serve to reveal to a counselor or Pastor that abuse is indeed occurring. In so doing, however, any honesty from the victim can put her in danger when she goes home with the abuser. His declarations of learning from his counselor do not necessarily carry over in private.

     2)     MARRIAGE COUNSELING AFTER SEPARATION: Warning! Do not let a church leader speak "kindly" to you of doing everything in his power to help you by fixing your marriage. If you have become separated, you have likely reached a critical point in saving your own life from slow murder. Perhaps your husband has been arrested. Any man, much less a so-called Christian leader, who thinks so highly of himself as to "put you back together" is severely lacking in wisdom. He does not qualify for Christian leadership. A wise man would at least first get to know the victim. He would get to know that she is most likely a person of more spiritual fruit than he has ever needed to achieve himself. He would find that she has already tried all the "respect" tricks, the "love" tricks, the "serve" tricks, the "patience" tricks, and, especially, the "self-control" tricks. If he thinks he could get her to try the "tough love confrontation" tricks, he may be ignorant of the fact that this could put her in great danger. Or maybe he doesn't care. Maybe "his" church is not allowed to suffer the stigma of being anything less than strict about keeping families glued. Maybe he is not aware that the world looks on and sees the deceit behind hidden family abuse; they are not impressed.

     3)     REFUSING COURT SUPERVISION IN FAVOR OF CHURCH SUPERVISION: As Christians, we want to think of the church as it should be - "The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor AS yourself," (Galatians 5:14). My purpose is to encourage the church-at-large to become that vision towards the abused. Abused women and children need protective and secure loving environments as well as opportunities to be. (Sadly, Church, do you know that we are denied this need?) If you are asked to go to court in order to request your No-contact order be lifted for the church leaders to "help" your marriage, THE PRICE YOU PAY WILL DEVASTATE YOU! You will lose the ability of the courts to protect you from your abuser. No matter how "repentant" he may declare to be, he will prove to be only as deceiving as always. If he truly is repentant, he will offer to stay out of the way so that you can heal. God has demanded that the sowing of abuse requires the reaping of consequences: the removal of the victim until she decides otherwise.
     If you waive the court's pursuit of your case against the abuser, you may be BLACKLISTED by the local court and you may be unable to beg, borrow, or buy their help later on. Believe me, the abuser will appear publicly to co-operate with the church's efforts to "fix" your marriage. Remember, he was not unhappy with the abusive relationship. He is likely addicted to you as his object of abuse and not much more. Gifts and efforts and romance are, to him, bait to keep you hanging on with hope. Most likely, your church counselor is unaware and may be manipulated by the abuser: a master manipulator. Your abuser will quickly get "inside" the buddy system of the men of the church and will use his romantic side to charm the women. Both sexes will find you an embarrassment as you continue to "complain" of his secret harassments towards you. Now, the church will not take you seriously and the court will not either. The church cannot protect you and they will not put themselves on the line to do so. They are not heroes in this opportunity. Even the ones who are "on your side" will declare they must sadly submit to the policy that favors the abuser.

     4)     CONTINUING TO ATTEND THE SAME CHURCH: You will probably believe that your church leaders are "godly" men with "tender" hearts, as they should be. The unfortunate truth is that these men commonly do not feel they need to spend their tenderness or protection on the abused wife. There really is a belief that it is her responsibility to stay married and that if God wants her to be forever tormented by the abuser, that must be God's will for her: maybe she needs it? This will not be said in so many words because those words do not look very Christian: they obviously are not Christian. Pastors may have degrees, but they are often subject to other church leaders. Overwhelmingly, church leaders have knowledge of Scriptures but are not commonly intimately acquainted with the mind of the Scripture in its entirety themes and attitudes.   Jesus' teaches about the NEED to violate the Sacred rituals in order to save the life. He would allow the Holy Spirit to do His work in the hard individual choices.
     So, if you continue to attend your abuser's church, do so with the knowledge that you will not change policies dealing with marriage. You will be more and more the problem and your abuser will become more and more the trophy. Church will become a safe place for your stalker to accost and spy on you and your children. You will be rebuked by little old ladies and large men with testimonies of the "nice" things your husband did for them. You will think you are healing and then will find yourself being called "worthless" once more. You will find yourself the subject of sermons on "forgiveness", as if trying to make a wise choice about safety is "unforgiveness". You will not hear many prayers for the huge percentage of abused wives, but you will hear prayers for "your marriage". You will be excluded from serving as a part of the Body of Christ. You will finally go there grieving rather than worshiping.

     5)     THE GOAL OF RECONCILIATION: Scripture shows us that reconciliation is a good thing IF IT IS A GOOD THING. Scripture also teaches NON-reconciliation, scattering, escape from persecution, even hiding, etc. Wisdom is very much the issue. Is it wise to reconcile or wise to stay away? Simple. Do not feel pressured to believe that the Bible makes a blanket statement about reconciliation magic. Who has bewitched them that teach such dangerous things? Such a belief would take away our ability to warn our children about stranger danger and risky relatives. Actually, such teaching would mean that my child has not properly forgiven her kidnapper/rapist until she has somehow formed a friendly bond with him: it is on her shoulders. RUBBISH!
     The truth is that God is responsible to change hearts and enable safe reconciliation. We just watch for what He is doing. The truth is He is not changing the hearts of abusers except for very rarely. Church leaders tend to be asking women to participate in their agenda for reconciliation even though God is not there. Nearly always when they push reconciliation, the abuser has not changed his heart, even if he is a church-goer or church leader. The women are repeatedly endangered, murdered, and maimed. In fact, the women are not just sent back, but they are repeatedly sent back. Hopefully we will begin to get the message that GOD IS NOT IN IT. God is in refusing to be bewitched and deceived. "Thank you God. You are Good."

    

The Worse Kind of Better

     "Your Dad is so much better!" I told my daughter over the phone. "He is agreeing with the Pastor in our marriage counseling. He is going to church every Sunday and is really excited. He even buys all the sermons and listens to them repeatedly through the weeks." My statements were a blatant lie with disrespect for human life.

     Abused wives and partners hear so much advice for "normal" relationships and we make the mistake of applying it to our own warped non-relationship marriages. One piece of advice of this sort is the admonition to restrict comments about your husband to highlight the good, especially as you speak to your children. When we apply this rule to habitually abusive parents we end up teaching our children to be confused about good and evil. Our collusion teaches (in essence) a warped morality, ie.: that Hitler was okay because he stood against a lot of immorality - a "good deed" buys the right to practice cruelty on family members; that repeating "I'm sorry" can enable you to destroy people repeatedly; that your trauma and the children's trauma is not worth consideration; that crime is not crime when committed by a father; that violent people get what they want and gentle people are worthless punching bags; that lying is allowed to protect criminals so they can repeat the crime.

     What we should have said to our children were the things that free them from their prison. A home that is the most dangerous and hellish place they know is not a home, but a prison. We join the ranks of those who do not seem to care when we ignore the pain and its cause. Too often these children grow up to find that drugs are less hellish than memories, worthlessness of heart, and warped ideas of marriage. My sin was in the declaration, "Your dad is so much better." I should have said what Jesus said: a whitewashed tomb can be painted all clean, but it is full of death. Jesus did not want those full of death to have His approval on their secret agenda. He wanted His people to recognize blind guides of whom the Lord would say at last, "I never knew you." Jesus' aim was not to just "be mean" but to protect us from evil examples by exposing them: "Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them" ( Ephesians 5:11). How strange are religious policies when they promote the protection of darkness as a means of salvation for those trapped in darkness. The abuser needs the darkness exposed in order to have the chance to see. That is truth.

     When I told my grown daughter and my grown son that their dad was "better" I was giving them false hope and binding them to his example, which was frighteningly deceiving and aimed to manipulate. I was taking away their freedom and aiming them for more emotional abuse. It has resulted in emotional abuse of the worst sort and in efforts to destroy their relationship with me. I also said some horrible things about myself and God's children in general by calling him "better". While he was better at public christian acts, he was worse in his private abusiveness. So, I was calling myself and others like me "trash people" because it could be "Christian" to "do church" and then brutalize your wife as a relaxing sport. This was no different than saying Ted Bundy was "better" if he was a glowing church actor even though he could not stop the serial-killing. At the point I told my children that my husband was "better" I knew I was not long for this world and I was glad. I imagined (wrongly) that they needed a parent when I was gone. I did not think about the fact that the Scriptures define "father" in ways that do not include "cruel abuser who really does not feel guilty". My children needed the truth that his heart was empty of real father love and compassion so that they could deal with him from the standpoint of truth. My children needed to turn away from an example of atrocity. Pretending did not help them and it did not help him. "Forgiveness and reconciliation", repeatedly, for decades did not touch his heart. Kindness and mercy and compassion did not touch his heart. Confrontation did not touch his heart - it made him attack more violently. These things did sometimes produce more impressive public mannerisms, but in our bedroom he told me what was really in his heart. My heart may break for such evil in a man, but only God can deal with such a one.

     There are good reasons that Jesus said Christians will often need to leave their birth families and make the real church their new family.

     "For better or worse" from the marriage vows is a phrase often used to manipulate abused wives to stay married and even to remain together with the abuser. This is a gross distortion of the intention of the marriage vows. The vows are promises of faithful relationship, one to another. They are a picture of two people facing the world together, each standing with the other for the benefit of each: "two are better than one..." The "for better or worse" statement is a picture of the two facing circumstances in life, good and not-so-good outer circumstances, with that stronger and supportive loving togetherness. It is not a clause that buys one partner a free pass to turn into the personal destroyer of the other. It is a hopeful attitude that promises someone beside you to support you when you are weak and to rejoice with you when you are well. It does not require one to enable the other to practice evil. It is two facing the better or worse world together, not two facing each other and attacking.

     Back to my conversation with my daughter, there was another wrong thing that was going on revealed there. The wrong thing is that my abusive husband and I were in marriage counseling. My pastor was aware that our marriage was abusive. Marriage counseling is for relationship problems. Domestic violence or even the worse aspect, emotional abuse, are not relationship problems. They are solely the problem of the abuser, who must deal with the issue alone if there is to be any hope for change and real relationship with God. Our marriage counseling served only to teach my abuser the language of "looking better in public". It taught him to speak the lingo of deception even better. For me, that meant it would be less likely that I could get anyone to believe the hell of my home. The marriage counseling revealed to me as well that knowing the right way did not help my husband to gladly follow the right way. He could not do it. He could not stop the abuse. I finally saw clearly that he loved the abuse process and was miserable when he tried to stop. He felt good the day after the "relief" of abuse. A true Christian has a conscience that recoils at brutality and cruelty. Abusers do not recoil. The abuse in my case became increasingly dangerous and murderous in its overtones and actions. Death became close and I began to be concerned about the children left in the home. I knew that saying "good" things about their father was not good. They were suffering through the long nights of horrible noises. My husband threatened to take them from me if I tried to leave. Thank God that God Himself caused my husband to get caught so that I could start leaving with credibility and some little legal trail.

     I started telling my young children the truth. Their hearts gave up trying to please someone who could not truly have love and compassion for them. They realized the good in forgiving with walking away. They became able to feel that they had a right to protection in a loving home. They felt safe to be who they were created to be and personality blossomed at last. They felt safe to process the horror of trauma-healing in a loving home. It still goes on years later, but healing is working. The sad, sad thing in this is the constant pressure from church leaders to manipulate them backward instead of forward. They are pressured to do all the things we tried that did not work for 30 years and that feed the darkness.

     Dear sister, Scripturally you have the right to walk away from persistent evil action: family abuse is most evil. You have the right under God to protect your children. You have the right to love yourself just as you would any child of God. You have the right to recognize nullified covenants so that your life has time for purpose, not futility. You have the right to make a way to live to fulfill the Great Commission, which you can't do under the absolute control of the dominion of darkness. You have the right to tell the truth that evil action is not good action, even though you may feel bad for the actor. You have a right to lead your children to follow good and not evil, to forgive without reconciliation with darkness, and to let God be God. You have a right to the life that God gave you to live for Him. For better or worse, the Lord faces hand in hand with you towards the life-road He gifted to you in love. That's the best kind of real better.

Godly Authority Is Not a Demolition Position

     I see you in my heart every day if you are oppressed without relief. I see you if you are struggling to recover and opposed at every turn. I see you if you are shocked repeatedly by the cruelty of Christian leaders as you try to run your race limping. You are the mission field of my heart and I believe Christ's Spirit has put you there. I pray for you all the time. I care about your pain. I sorrow over the fact that popular church dogma sees our lives as sadly disposable. When advice to commit suicide by "staying married" fails to our destruction,  too commonly we, rather than the advisers, are faulted: "lack of faith", you know. I know that and I hurt with your shock. I speak to make us look at our church-wide cruelty because love does not overlook unending cruelty. If the first church cared enough to hear the complaints of widows who needed daily food, we have to care enough to relieve family abuse, to support the healing of the victims, and to protect the people from perpetrators.

     Paul said in 2 Corinthians 13:10 that the authority given to him by God was given to build up God's people, and NOT to tear them down. Paul had more authority than any present Christian leader: they all come under Paul's teaching. Obviously no authority is above Christ, Who is Head over every earthly authority. They are all under His feet. Christ uses His authority to benefit His own people (Ephesians 1:21-23). Every authority, therefore, must be evaluated as to whether it is good or evil. Scripture teaches us we do not submit to evil or to hatred.  Evil and hatred do often overpower us, but given choice and opportunity we please God and not evil actors. We are admonished to not let ourselves be bound again by the yoke of slavery to unhelpful rules or any other hindrance to the great commission. The Scripture says it is for freedom we have been set free. Submission to anyone is a willing decision to do good humbly, not a soulless robot-ism. Where free and wise thought are removed, there is no longer submission, but foolishness. I have needed to remind myself of these concepts repeatedly.

     I was deluded into thinking that if I had faith and sacrificed myself in love, my husband would be softened by such patient endurance. That is not the kind of patient endurance or sacrifice the Scriptures advocate. It is instead simply slow suicide that wastes life. I watched my dear friends follow the same path I followed, with great and real faith. I watched them come to a crisis moment where they had to realize the waste of their own lives and time and then to grieve the death of their own years. I watched their physical infirmities caused by the years of trauma breaking my heart. Authority had not been used to build them up but to tear them to pieces. Most often, their children have turned away from the path of faith or perverted it in rebellion to the faith that seemed to demolish. Churches were commonly not seen as elevating the law of love but as worshiping an icon of marriage at all costs, even the cost of life. God Bless the few Bible-based churches who stand firmly for Christ's love.

     It is a hard fact of life that men who abuse their wives habitually are almost never those who are moved by compassion for the pain they cause. They apologize only to keep the relationship in order to use it another day. Their hearts are not touched by our kindness; their hearts are motivated to abuse us for being kind or for being strong. There is no vengeance in this statement. I would be passing judgment on God if I were to declare otherwise. It is wisdom to know the truth in order to navigate the very dangerous waters. Who am I to declare that I should act a fool because God COULD change these men when the fact is that He rarely does change them. We must believe God when He warns of those whose consciences are seared as with a hot iron. The worst of the lot are those who do those things and call themselves Christians. Their hearts must be especially hardened to be inundated with lovely Scripture and the fellowship of Christ's Spirit all around and yet remain a fan of cruelty.  This is not a new creation specimen. "Beware", we should be saying. We have a right and a responsibility to depart from those who love cruelty. If God would indeed change one, that one would agree and he would do that which brings comfort to victims. He would agree that one who sews murder will reap the absence of the one murdered. He would understand that he cannot demand forgiveness or manipulate for reconciliation, and that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation.

     What about the "ministry of reconciliation" from 2 Corinthians 5? It is obvious that this is the process of people being reconciled to God and we participate in that ministry by sharing the message that brings them to Him. It has nothing to do with making sure that every abused person spends strength on risking life to remain reconciled/close with the personal abuser. There are Christian leaders who use this reasoning, but I am often afraid they know it is a manipulation of Scripture. It is not applied towards missionaries who decide to leave their fields for safety issues. But the teaching has served very well to manipulate congregations to feel less guilt about ostracizing abused women who refuse to or cannot remain with their abusers.

     I pray for you that you are encouraged. I pray that you sense God's love and experience it in many ways, including my small encouragement to assess the authorities (even church authorities) as to their authenticity in Christ. I pray that you are spared some of the shock of being treated with church contempt in actuality. I pray that what I say may spare you what I went through , that I by my words may walk with you in empathy. I pray that you are free at heart in your healing or in your decision to try to heal. I pray that you will hold your head high, knowing that you are loved by the Lord Who has engraved you on His Hands, and loved by those like me who see you in the heart. I pray that you will be blessed with a very real experience of that sense of love which is necessary to life. I pray you will be surrounded by arms of love from real Christians. You are mighty women of valor, so terribly brave, so honed for compassion!

     Many who are first will be last and many who are last will be first. Jesus loves the women who sit at His feet and listen in trust. Women were the first to know He is resurrected. They were the first to preach the message of resurrection. They were not objects of contempt to Jesus. They were people who received His special gentleness. Jesus bless you with His special gentleness.











    

Runnething Over

     Several ideas are knocking on my brain. Putting them into words on a page would be good medicine, but the results of my own journey through marriage prison camp leave me without stamina. I work 6 days a week to pay the bills and make sure the kids are provided for as they try to heal, too. One might go back to school if one had enough stamina to study instead of sleep between work shifts. But, thank the Lord, my home space is a peaceful space.

     Recently, I hadn't the strength to get off the couch, so I went through the choices on Netflix. There was a documentary on Stress that was done by National Geographic. As I watched the program document the research of Robert Sapolsky, I wanted to dance. Here was a confirmation of what I felt going on in my physical processes over the years of abuse and then during the painful healing years (still going). I thought of how during the healing I could actually FEEL the pain of my cells changing.  In the space of a couple of months I looked totally different. The pain was something like when your foot "falls asleep" from disuse and then wakes, causing agony as it does.

     I won't go into detail as anyone who has gone through this could watch the documentary and relate. Anyone who wonders if they should aim to be unbound may see why it is necessary. Domestic violence is a worse crime than quick murder. It is in fact murder of the cruelest sort. DV murders with the hands of the one who is supposed to be the love and companion of your entire life. Those hands become instead the instruments of torture that cause your very cells to begin to die. The abusing mind is the mind of a serial killer who charms his world in the daylight and practices his secret hell on his partner: slow torture killing the soul. The body also dies slowly.  We stay for the torture knowing that trying to leave will mean the threat of final murder, stalking, and danger to children used as pawns.

     Recently I visited with a sweet friend from my former church. She is sympathetic to the issue of domestic violence, but she left with this "unique" question: "Why does a woman stay in the relationship. I wouldn't put up with it even once!" I was asked the same question in court. Where in the world is the protection that makes it possible? Why are family torturers considered fine men to win custody of the children if you try to leave him? How can a mother survive the ultimate trauma of seeing her babies ruined by their own trauma?
Oh, and incidentally, my ex-husband's attorney also asked me why I didn't stay: did I not believe that a man could change? Unique.

     As this relates to the church-at-large, appropriate compassion in not readily available. The damage that is worse than broken bones is labeled "a bad spiritual attitude". Appropriate medicine is demonized with sermons against such "spiritual weakness" even though the same preacher may not deny medical care to his wife after a stroke. Compassion, which could cause a physical process in the body to promote healing, is denied and replaced with disciplinary attitudes towards the abused woman.

     As I ponder all of this, I am sure it is not the woman in healing who is the crazy one.

WHEN YOU ARE LOVED

     Jesus left the church with this passionate commandment: "Love one another." This command is for His people, His church. This love is supposed to be a distinguishing characteristic of our relationships with each other. Even discipline of church members is an act that is supposed to have a loving purpose; it is engineered to keep the Body of Christ safe. This type of discipline in Scripture is reserved for sins of abomination.

     Apparently divorce is not one of these disciplined sins since 1 Corinthians 7 contains a lot of variation in the subject of those who were married but wish to be celibate for holiness. Paul makes clear that this is not a good reason for divorce. Even with that in mind, however, he says that if the wife does indeed seperate by divorce to be celibate, she should  either remain unmarried or be reconciled. He does not mention any discipline. How much more complicated would be the discussion of the situation in which the husband has already committed spiritual divorce through abuse and the wife must indeed make it legally recognized in order to survive. I am quite sure Jesus would not recommend that more discipline on top of a life of constant abuse would help to shape her for holiness in any way. Apparently this issue has a great many variables according to 1 Corinthinas 7, but is not rule-bound because the more crucial issue is God's call that we "live in peace" (verse 15) which is often not possible for a Christian with an unbeliever or an abuser. According to the context of this Scripture, each case should be viewed individually, with the heart of the intentions a huge consideration.

     The disciplinary process in Matthew 18 is clearly a process designed to bring in the protection of the chuch when a member cannot get relief from a persisting attacker. The procedure is definitely not to be a symbolic "cold shoulder" intended to manipulate a woman into reconciling with a man she knows to be dangerous in private while charming in public.

     Jesus said, "You hypocrites! Doesn't each of you on the Sabbath untie his ox or donkey from the stall and lead it out to give it water? Then should not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen long years, be set free on the Sabbath day from what bound her?" (Luke 13:15-16). He said, "I ask you, which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to destroy it?" (Luke 6:9). In the context of this passage, He is saying that failure to do what you can to help free and heal is to be part of the destroying: that unloving refusal to relieve pain and evil is what is illegal. Refusing to help is like doing the murder. Jesus said, "A house divided against itself will fall," (Luke 11:17). Every house that is filled with domestic violence is divided: good against evil. Especially evil is the evil that calls itself "Christian" and does such things. We must not forget that leaving an abuser is not an act of selfish choice but a necessary response to criminal acts. Jesus said that some will need to leave a spouse for the sake of the kingdom of God and will be rewarded for doing so (Luke 18:29-30). This can be one of those rare and sad instances.

     When wives are abused by their husbands, especially religious husbands, they are completely deprived of love in the marriage. Sex is not love even though is can be an expression of love within a marriage. Abusive men view sex (often in the form of rape) as a fulfillment of their "love" obligation. Sex is nothing but another form of abuse in this case. Well-meaning people who do not understand the dynamics of the abusive mind look at good deeds done by abusers and point to these as a sign of the "good" in the performer. The abused wife, however, knows that her husband sees his good deeds as payment buying him the right to abuse and still be in fine public standing.

     So, I see love in very specific pictures that do not make room for the relishing of cruelty. We should see these pictures not just in marriage relationships, but also in church relationships. I would say that the added  torment heaped upon us by churches when we try to get free of domestic abuse is totally without love. It is not a loving discipline with some useful purpose: we learn nothing from it as we are re-traumatized. It would even appear to be a totally selfish policy pattern declaring that the horror marriage is the woman's burden to bear because that burden is too heavy for the church leaders to bear. If she is so much more capable than they, why are they not disciplined instead? Just a thought.

     When you are loved by someone, you are given good gifts. You are encouraged to use your gifts. The one who loves you gets great pleasure from your enjoyment of these gifts. It is the evil one who takes the gifts away and burys them. If we would not bury them, why would those who are supposed to love us bury them? Why would they say, "You are abused and apart from your murderer; therefore, you are not worthy to use your gifts for the work of Christ our beloved"? In fact, Jesus said it is a grievous sin to bury your own talents rather than investing them. What makes a weary woman recovering from abuse such an atrocity that her gifts become rubbish, while the gifts of the quietly greedy, mean-spirited, haughty, controlling, gluttonous, lazy, drunken, dirty-minded, cheap, or abusive remain useful?

     When you are loved, you are offered great care in your sufferings. In illness and brokenness, you are wept with. Your loved ones are quick to see what you lack and to provide the healing, helping things, like Jesus feeding multitudes. You know that you are not alone when the agony strikes. Someone moves you away from the things that destroy you. God's Hands reach out through His loving people. Those people pray for you and then their actions see to your comfort as necessary;  faith and prayer without appropriate action are dead. We, the Body of Christ are a people made for loving interaction, not only for hopes and dreams on the road home. Even if the caring is simply expressed in kindness, compassion and encouragement attitudes, with love, these are real and appropriate..

     When you are loved, your successes are a source of celebration in the ones who love you. Those who love do not stand before you and frown, blocking your every effort to accomplish your purpose. You are not given a snake when you needed fish, just to make you more disciplined. How do evil gifts bring a disciplined life? Why do those who have lived with domestic abuse, a "discipline unimaginable", need more harsh discipline, when those who command the further discipline could not even bear it? They are giving stones where gifts of healing are required by Jesus.

     When you are loved, you are a treasure and you are made to know you are a treasure. Treasures are sought with sweat and effort and are protected vigorously. When they get dull from grime and abuse, they are worth some elbow grease to restore the shine that brings a smile of joy.

     When you are loved, you are heard. The words expressing your heart, the things you feel and learn, are not a nuisance, but a song. Your words are not a waste of important time, but an important use of time. The one who loves you holds your hand and looks into your eyes to understand.  Of course, if you begin to lecture and demand a selfish life, love is saddened. But the Christian who is perpetually abused has very little selfishness and demanding, yet many expressions that were buried deeper and deeper, all rising up into pain at once. A caring ear is a great medicine. I believe the Lord engineered that very give-and-take so that we would not neglect fellowship and the humility of the broken. How often we advocate the pride of "peace, peace when there is no peace", just so we can remain comfortable in isolation from shared agony. Shared agony so easily breaks the agony into smaller and smaller bits until it fades away, bringing relief. Is it too much trouble? Rather, Paul said, "...we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort," (NIV, 2 Corinthians 1:7.) I think that Paul's friends cared so much for his relief that they were willing to go to great pains for it, and Paul reciprocated likewise. Paul did not keep his agonies secret with some sort of false humility, he defined them and asked for specific helps and comforts. He named the names of those who did him a great deal of harm, warning others to stay away from the harmful men. When he had a serious difference with Barnabas, he thought it better that they go their seperate ways than to irritate one another. How simplistic we can be when God asks that we do whatever it takes to pursue His agenda in our individual lives.

     However lacking are the commands in regards to difficult relationship specifics, the command to love the Christian brothers and sisters is firm. It is the supreme command after loving God and is said to be "like it". In my opinion it is like it because the love of God produces in Christians the love of God's children. When you are loved you feel safe. When you are loved you feel wanted. When you are loved you feel needed. When you are loved you heal faster. When you are loved you speak your heart without fear. When you are loved you are included. When you are loved you are presented gladly. When you are loved you are protected and defended. When you are loved you are favored. When you are loved your destruction and torture are not ignored as if they were an unfortunate embarrassment. When you are loved prayers in your behalf are accompanied by appropriate action. Where, beloved, is the Christian action that is pushing back the tide of domestic abuse destroying such a huge percentage of your sisters? Is it exposed in every church since every church is overrun with the problem? Are the abused wives the unloved for any good reason?



    

Bitter is a Magic Word

     We have magic words in the church world. These words, when spoken, are used frequently to keep our brothers and sisters covered in whitewash. Sometimes these words keep us from any sense of involvement in messy matters. Sometimes they make known what is expected from a "spiritual" person. Sometimes they serve to make us appear to be a sweet group. Sometimes they put you in your place so your needs are not our responsibility. Yes, words like glory, joyful, spirit, praise, stronghold, forgive, victory, repent, bold, worship, reconciliation and more, are used to keep us in various comfortable niches.

     Apparently, the word "bitter" has a special magic: it can shut the mouths of those who are in danger, pain, or distress from domestic violence. I haven't figured out the logic of it quite yet. A church can  post and distribute warning information about a local pedophile: this is not bitter or unforgiving of his sin. A church can support military action used to protect populations: this is not bitter or unforgiving of the sin in terrorism. A church can install alarms for police protection of its possessions : this is not bitter or unforgiving of the sin in theft. But, a victim of horrible abuse can expose the dangerous behavior of a tormentor for a limited time only. After church leaders have made some initial effort and counseling, the crime of abuse becomes "private". Any cry of a continued threat is labeled "gossip". The abuser becomes the victim. The abused woman becomes "bitter" and "unforgiving". If she has only slight knowledge of Scripture, she may be easily manipulated by these magic words, backing down into her quiet black hole. Alone again, she cries out to God, waiting, waiting for miraculous deliverance. But God has already said, "The prudent see danger and take refuge..." (Proverbs 27:12).  There is no refuge in the Land of Magic Words.

     The word "bitter" as used in the Scriptures is not a magic word at all. It is not a blanket word. It is a word that takes its meaning from its context in a narrative. It is a strong word. The Scripture says "woe" to those who put the label "sweet" on things that are really "bitter" and vise versa (Isaiah 5:20). Bitter is the taste of poison. Poison is not always produced in the person. Sometimes it is poured over the person, or fed to her, or injected. There are things that we should very well experience as bitter if we have any wisdom, if we have any fellowship with the good, sweet Holy Spirit. When we encounter evil cruelty, for instance, it should taste bitter. The book of Hebrews calls idolatry, specifically, a "bitter root" or a "root of bitterness" depending on translation. Idolatry is poison and it grows poison fruit, so it should be experienced as bitter. Many times the Scriptures speak of people "weeping bitterly" as a true and proper experience of horrible things. Are we in America attempting to train American Christians to put to death human emotional response to torment? Ezekiel was commanded by God to groan and weep with bitter grief (Ezekiel 21:6), because that was the right response to traumatic events.

     I was especially fascinated, however, with the bitter distress of 2 Kings chapter 4. It was not a sin, but a signal to offer compassion and assistance. Bitter distress is probably a good description for the agony of recovery from trauma. The story tells of Elisha's concern for his friend, the Shunammite woman. The woman's son has died and when she runs to Elisha for help, Gehazi pushes her away. [Ever been pushed away?] But Elisha responds, "Leave her alone! She is in bitter distress..." (NIV). Then, he proceeds to find out what she needs and provides her with appropriate help. He has compassionate concern expressed with action, not  magic words.

     Have you ever been in bitter distress? Have you cried with bitter weeping? If so, you have a sweet soul. You can sense the poison in the bitter waters that have been thrown upon you because they are so opposite your sense of sweet. You can feel the affects of the serpent's bitter venom as it bites because it is an evil attack on a sweet daughter of God. When you sound the trumpet so that the watchmen can be alert to danger, you are not filled with a spirit of fear but a spirit of wisdom. Bitter distress is relieved by real compassionate effort from the Body of Christ. Christ is the healer of the brokenhearted  (those in bitter distress) and Christ's people are the Hands to deliver that healing. He does not ask you to sit alone in the black hole, unseen and secret, waiting for a big zap. He expects you to run to God's people and speak your need. He expects His people to do everything possible to relieve your legitimate distress: bitter as it is. You are not your distress. You are an opportunity for ministry from some willing Elisha. You are a strong woman who asks boldly. If we continue to weep it is not because we are whiners, but because our burden is increased rather than relieved.

     Do you continue to weep unrelieved by compassion? Perhaps Gehazi is still pushing you away. But if we move along past him, Elisha is back there with compassionate action. Elisha will run and sweat and care. He will hurt because you hurt. Let's not get caught at Gehazi's guard post, but, recognizing him, lets run on by and look for the real thing. Let's tell the truth because lies should not be used as magic words. 

    

    

Excuse Me For Living

     Next Sunday I will be held up as filth before a large church congregation. A letter will be read  by one of the elders condemning my divorce from decades of abuse. This will be the second such letter. My purpose in this story is not so much that event, however. My purpose is to offer an opportunity for others who have been traumatized to feel less alone and less hidden. This action is not a secret. It is not a private matter. It is a public policy to be discussed publicly. Do not weep in secret, ladies, because you do not need to be ashamed. So, here we go along the road to which we are called to live, live, live.

      That first letter of rebuke was read earlier in the year. I had warning and a copy of the rough draft. I took the rough draft to an elder and I said, "This would not be a good idea if only because it is not true." I went through the letter point by point. I had witnesses and had been sent through a series of counselors in the preceding years, all of whom could see the honesty of my motives and the emergency of my situation.

     At one point, I was advised to obtain a legal separation in order to receive church support as protection from a very sociopathic husband. I followed that advice in order to have the church's protection for my children. It did not pan out. They could provide no real protection and did not follow up when my husband became insistent on having his way. I received no help when my barn fell down and I could barely walk from room to room without agony. I received no response when their supervision of the "family" budget failed to keep my husband from sabotaging my ability to pay bills. I was told by a pastor, in court, that I would be in a protected environment separate from my husband and then was ignored when that husband took advantage of any opportunity to stalk me in church. Not only was I ignored, I was given the message that this was an irritating nuisance.

     Well, who wants to be a nuisance? Especially an irritating nuisance? In my mind, those men have the right to believe whatever they choose, but I have the right to get out of their sphere. Not only that, but I have the responsibility to protect my kids as I must. So, I let them have their space and took the matter out of their hands. I would think they might be swiping the sweat off their brows and thanking me. Do you think perhaps this is where I was being forced all along? Is this how churches save face in the sticky question of family doctrines vs. Christian compassion? If a woman who tries to be safe by seeking divorce can become the bad guy, her life is no longer an issue - discarded.

     My divorce process took years and many thousands of dollars. This was indeed a hardship because my husband had financial means and loved harassing me in court. My winnings from the final trial this spring went largely to pay off the debt of that legal battle, but I am thankful for a good attorney. My children's welfare was at stake and has been hard-won. I went through those years in a state of recovery from the decades of trauma. The court battles were additionally traumatic. I needed church fellowship, but I was placed "outside the camp" even before I was denounced from the stage. I was not allowed to have any participation with church work even in the smallest ways. I was a pitiful appendage longing to do good to others in the name of Christ, so I could do so only outside official church issues.

     What has the divorce accomplished? I no longer have to find my abuser will be able to sabotage my finances or my right to protect my kids. (Abusers really do get the right to have visitation.) I am no longer forced to make all my personal information available to my ex. I am no longer harassed by church leaders attempting to power me into a corner where I will agree to reconcile with a man who still shows himself oppressive. I can move when I need to move. I no longer receive regular threatening legal notices from my husband's attorney.  I am not forced to deliver my traumatized children to their father only to receive them back further traumatized. I can step into my calling from Christ: to live in peace....to live!

     To live. For 30 years I waited to be able to do just that. My home was formerly a piece of hell, and now it is a place of peace in Christ. It is a place where my children can see what it is to love one another in a really Christian family. I can finally make choices. Do you know what a blessing it is to make choices? I can choose to stay late at my new church and help out there. I can choose to have a hurting woman come and find peace and healing for a few days. I can argue with my kids and they know that it is a safe place to do so. I can come home from work exhausted and really rest for the next day's work. I can know that no one living in this house thinks it is fun to regularly torture and imprison others.

     Hmmm. So what makes me so dangerous and ungodly that my former church has publicly denounced me twice? Since by husband was arrested and convicted of felony domestic violence about 4 years ago I have not dated, used alcohol, neglected the needs of my children, turned away from my faith in Christ, stolen, etc., etc. I have consistently presented needful information to prove my assertion that my ex was not to be considered reformed: the purpose being wisdom for safety, not malice. I bought for church elders a stack of books about the subject of recognizing the tactics of abusers and was told that this was "secular information" to be rejected. Some read the books and decided that I was spiritually immature. Some read and were enlightened or agreed, but they are required to act in concert with the board, not conscience. As for me, I wondered if the doctors and judges on the board would walk away from their professions because they were certified through the study of secular information. The strange thing is that it was church pastors who originally sent me to Social Services for information on safety planning. Shortly afterward, that information was nullified by the same pastors.

      Ladies beloved by the Lord Jesus Christ, you are free to live. Christ gave you the Great Comission just as He gave to every  man. That Commission cannot be fulfilled if we are robbed of our talents by someone who insists on burying them for us. Jesus taught us that even the sacred things of the law (institutions and rituals) are set aside when a life is at stake (Matthew 12:3-8). Jesus said He desires mercy or compassion above sacrifices. Jesus spoke "woe" to religious leaders who put unbearable loads on the backs of the people (Luke 11:46). Abuse is slow death by torture: not intended for family life. Jesus said that some believers will be forced to leave family members to live for Him (Luke 18:29-30). He said that if that occurs, there will be much greater blessing in store to compensate.

     I pray for a smile from God on your shoulders and a hunk of that great blessing.