Next Sunday I will be held up as filth before a large church congregation. A letter will be read by one of the elders condemning my divorce from decades of abuse. This will be the second such letter. My purpose in this story is not so much that event, however. My purpose is to offer an opportunity for others who have been traumatized to feel less alone and less hidden. This action is not a secret. It is not a private matter. It is a public policy to be discussed publicly. Do not weep in secret, ladies, because you do not need to be ashamed. So, here we go along the road to which we are called to live, live, live.
That first letter of rebuke was read earlier in the year. I had warning and a copy of the rough draft. I took the rough draft to an elder and I said, "This would not be a good idea if only because it is not true." I went through the letter point by point. I had witnesses and had been sent through a series of counselors in the preceding years, all of whom could see the honesty of my motives and the emergency of my situation.
At one point, I was advised to obtain a legal separation in order to receive church support as protection from a very sociopathic husband. I followed that advice in order to have the church's protection for my children. It did not pan out. They could provide no real protection and did not follow up when my husband became insistent on having his way. I received no help when my barn fell down and I could barely walk from room to room without agony. I received no response when their supervision of the "family" budget failed to keep my husband from sabotaging my ability to pay bills. I was told by a pastor, in court, that I would be in a protected environment separate from my husband and then was ignored when that husband took advantage of any opportunity to stalk me in church. Not only was I ignored, I was given the message that this was an irritating nuisance.
Well, who wants to be a nuisance? Especially an irritating nuisance? In my mind, those men have the right to believe whatever they choose, but I have the right to get out of their sphere. Not only that, but I have the responsibility to protect my kids as I must. So, I let them have their space and took the matter out of their hands. I would think they might be swiping the sweat off their brows and thanking me. Do you think perhaps this is where I was being forced all along? Is this how churches save face in the sticky question of family doctrines vs. Christian compassion? If a woman who tries to be safe by seeking divorce can become the bad guy, her life is no longer an issue - discarded.
My divorce process took years and many thousands of dollars. This was indeed a hardship because my husband had financial means and loved harassing me in court. My winnings from the final trial this spring went largely to pay off the debt of that legal battle, but I am thankful for a good attorney. My children's welfare was at stake and has been hard-won. I went through those years in a state of recovery from the decades of trauma. The court battles were additionally traumatic. I needed church fellowship, but I was placed "outside the camp" even before I was denounced from the stage. I was not allowed to have any participation with church work even in the smallest ways. I was a pitiful appendage longing to do good to others in the name of Christ, so I could do so only outside official church issues.
What has the divorce accomplished? I no longer have to find my abuser will be able to sabotage my finances or my right to protect my kids. (Abusers really do get the right to have visitation.) I am no longer forced to make all my personal information available to my ex. I am no longer harassed by church leaders attempting to power me into a corner where I will agree to reconcile with a man who still shows himself oppressive. I can move when I need to move. I no longer receive regular threatening legal notices from my husband's attorney. I am not forced to deliver my traumatized children to their father only to receive them back further traumatized. I can step into my calling from Christ: to live in peace....to live!
To live. For 30 years I waited to be able to do just that. My home was formerly a piece of hell, and now it is a place of peace in Christ. It is a place where my children can see what it is to love one another in a really Christian family. I can finally make choices. Do you know what a blessing it is to make choices? I can choose to stay late at my new church and help out there. I can choose to have a hurting woman come and find peace and healing for a few days. I can argue with my kids and they know that it is a safe place to do so. I can come home from work exhausted and really rest for the next day's work. I can know that no one living in this house thinks it is fun to regularly torture and imprison others.
Hmmm. So what makes me so dangerous and ungodly that my former church has publicly denounced me twice? Since by husband was arrested and convicted of felony domestic violence about 4 years ago I have not dated, used alcohol, neglected the needs of my children, turned away from my faith in Christ, stolen, etc., etc. I have consistently presented needful information to prove my assertion that my ex was not to be considered reformed: the purpose being wisdom for safety, not malice. I bought for church elders a stack of books about the subject of recognizing the tactics of abusers and was told that this was "secular information" to be rejected. Some read the books and decided that I was spiritually immature. Some read and were enlightened or agreed, but they are required to act in concert with the board, not conscience. As for me, I wondered if the doctors and judges on the board would walk away from their professions because they were certified through the study of secular information. The strange thing is that it was church pastors who originally sent me to Social Services for information on safety planning. Shortly afterward, that information was nullified by the same pastors.
Ladies beloved by the Lord Jesus Christ, you are free to live. Christ gave you the Great Comission just as He gave to every man. That Commission cannot be fulfilled if we are robbed of our talents by someone who insists on burying them for us. Jesus taught us that even the sacred things of the law (institutions and rituals) are set aside when a life is at stake (Matthew 12:3-8). Jesus said He desires mercy or compassion above sacrifices. Jesus spoke "woe" to religious leaders who put unbearable loads on the backs of the people (Luke 11:46). Abuse is slow death by torture: not intended for family life. Jesus said that some believers will be forced to leave family members to live for Him (Luke 18:29-30). He said that if that occurs, there will be much greater blessing in store to compensate.
I pray for a smile from God on your shoulders and a hunk of that great blessing.
